I have found two things helpful. First, I pass on the advice that the burden doesn't get lighter but you do get better at carrying it. Second, when I say we can talk anytime, I mean multiple times per day/week, for as many months/years as you want to talk about it. Even if you feel like you're saying the same things over and over again, even if there's nothing you or I can do about it, even if saying it doesn't really make anyone feel better right now. Better out than in, better together than alone. It's normal for deep grief to last several years and friends would rather be in it with you than wonder if you're hiding it.
A collection of things that people either did for me, or I did for other people after the loss of a parent:
- Continuing to check in about how they are doing (not just in the first few days/weeks after). One of my friends sends me a text every year on the anniversary of my mom's death that just says "Love you, thinking of you" and it means so much.
- When you check in, saying something like, "I know there won't be any good news right now, and you may not be okay, but I still want to hear about it. You aren't alone."
- If you are close enough to the person who has lost someone, offering to help reach out to their friends, coworkers, more distant relatives, etc. to break the news of the loss. Having to repeat the bad news over and over really takes a toll.
- Making food, especially things that can be frozen in case everyone is making them food.
- If they've had to travel a lot (driving back and forth to a hospice center, driving from far away for a funeral, etc.), buying them a gas card or just a Visa gift card/lum sump via Venmo to help cover unforeseen expenses during an emotionally difficult time.
- If they've had to leave home suddenly to travel for the funeral/last days, etc., offer to help take care of their pets or plants.
- One of my friends got me a gift card for a liquor store that said "Alcohol, because it will last longer than flowers," which was both true and made me laugh.
- One of my friends planted a tree in my mom's name via A Living Tribute. It's inexpensive and it was such a nice gesture - a way for my mom's memory to live on so much longer than me, or her.
- Sharing books, poems, music, podcasts, quotes, etc. about grief that you have found helpful (if you've experienced a similar loss).
I have found two things helpful. First, I pass on the advice that the burden doesn't get lighter but you do get better at carrying it. Second, when I say we can talk anytime, I mean multiple times per day/week, for as many months/years as you want to talk about it. Even if you feel like you're saying the same things over and over again, even if there's nothing you or I can do about it, even if saying it doesn't really make anyone feel better right now. Better out than in, better together than alone. It's normal for deep grief to last several years and friends would rather be in it with you than wonder if you're hiding it.
A collection of things that people either did for me, or I did for other people after the loss of a parent:
- Continuing to check in about how they are doing (not just in the first few days/weeks after). One of my friends sends me a text every year on the anniversary of my mom's death that just says "Love you, thinking of you" and it means so much.
- When you check in, saying something like, "I know there won't be any good news right now, and you may not be okay, but I still want to hear about it. You aren't alone."
- If you are close enough to the person who has lost someone, offering to help reach out to their friends, coworkers, more distant relatives, etc. to break the news of the loss. Having to repeat the bad news over and over really takes a toll.
- Making food, especially things that can be frozen in case everyone is making them food.
- If they've had to travel a lot (driving back and forth to a hospice center, driving from far away for a funeral, etc.), buying them a gas card or just a Visa gift card/lum sump via Venmo to help cover unforeseen expenses during an emotionally difficult time.
- If they've had to leave home suddenly to travel for the funeral/last days, etc., offer to help take care of their pets or plants.
- One of my friends got me a gift card for a liquor store that said "Alcohol, because it will last longer than flowers," which was both true and made me laugh.
- One of my friends planted a tree in my mom's name via A Living Tribute. It's inexpensive and it was such a nice gesture - a way for my mom's memory to live on so much longer than me, or her.
- Sharing books, poems, music, podcasts, quotes, etc. about grief that you have found helpful (if you've experienced a similar loss).