This month in friendship: February 2025
Things to read, watch, and send to your besties
In case it’s not obvious, we think about friendship a lot. This also (blessedly) means that our feeds and algorithms are full of friendship and community-related content.
To share some of these treasures with you, we publish this monthly collection! Think of it as part news update about friendships, part recommendations corner, with a sprinkling of lovely little things to send to your dearest friends to remind them how much they matter.
We’re thinking about: Supporting friends through grief
As Sam shared in last week’s newsletter, her dad passed away unexpectedly last week. This has clouded both of our thoughts since then. While she navigates Big Grief for the first time, I’m navigating figuring out how to support a close friend through Big Grief for the first time.
Mostly I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s hard knowing your dear friend is going through something this difficult that you haven’t experienced and therefore can’t fully understand. It’s hard to know that you can’t fix it even though you desperately want to.
I feel fortunate that I’ve built a life that allows me to drive up to be present with Sam and her family this week, despite the fact that society is not generally built to offer leave for supporting a friend. I feel grateful that Sam is self-aware enough to directly ask for what she needs, leaving me less in the dark. I feel comforted leaning into the hard feelings with her knowing that our friendship is strong enough that, even if I say something stupid by accident, we will be okay. And, I feel like nothing I can do is enough.
I don’t have answers, but it’s what’s on my mind. I wanted to curate some resources for this section (and for myself) but, frankly, the advice I’ve found online about this has felt lacking. So, let’s crowdsource some: If you’ve supported a friend through grief or been supported by a friend through grief, I’d love if you could share a comment about what was valuable. If we get enough good ones, we’ll round them up into a future post to help more forevers be there for each other through the toughest stuff.
Forevers of the month: The proto forevers
To wrap up our Black History Month series celebrating Black friendships, we had to spend some time on the ultimate forever friendship: Oprah and Gayle. In lieu of trying to describe their whole iconic relationship, here are a few select fun facts:
When Gayle was going through a divorce, Oprah made her a special heart necklace, saying, “One day your heart will sing, from your heart to mine. You'll get through this.” Gayle still wears the necklace every day. Why should married couples be the only ones to share special jewelry?!
There is a “Gayle wing” in Oprah’s house, including the only bedroom where Oprah will keep a TV because Gayle likes it. When Erin bought a house a few years ago, she joked with a few of her forevers that the spare room is “theirs”—the closest thing we can get to a wing currently!
Like Sam and I have experienced, Oprah and Gayle have often been asked whether they’re actually a romantic couple—to which they laugh and respond, “If we were gay, we’d tell you.”
Didn’t catch the other Black History Month posts? We introduced you to friends:
Currently consuming: Animated shorts about friendship
It’s Oscar weekend and Sam and I both love watching animated shorts. While the nominated films are sorely lacking in the friendship department, we went digging for a few for us all to enjoy!
This sweet story of making a new friend is giving equal parts Madeline and Totoro.
This film about making friends with a ghost warmed my heart and made me chuckle.
This Pixar short about an animal friendship will make you cry, so get the tissues ready.
ICYMI: A Forevers recap!
We hosted our first event — a friendship poetry-writing party — and it was a great success!
If you weren’t there, don’t fret: We have another very exciting chance to write friendship poetry with us in the works. In the meantime, enjoy this incredible poem written during the event (shared with permission!):
If I had a moment, I'd save a smile or hug given at the right time
If I had an hour, I'd save a cold walk on a clear night looking at the moon from the side of quiet ocean
If I had a year, I'd save the time we were apart but never separate
If I had all of time, I'd build a vault to hold them, now and forever so that even when we are gone, we remain together, safe
- Valerie Coll, poet extraordinarie
If a poem feels too advanced, we shared an easy activity to write a very low stakes love note to your friend.
We explained why we’re proposing so many romantic activities in friendships in the first place.
We explained, scientifically, why you should tackle the hard things in life with a friend.
We’re still new here and want to build a huge community of forever friends. If you have a few in your life who you think would enjoy our musings on friendship, we’d love it if you’d share it with them!
Did we miss some great friendship content this month? Leave a comment sharing your treasures!
I have found two things helpful. First, I pass on the advice that the burden doesn't get lighter but you do get better at carrying it. Second, when I say we can talk anytime, I mean multiple times per day/week, for as many months/years as you want to talk about it. Even if you feel like you're saying the same things over and over again, even if there's nothing you or I can do about it, even if saying it doesn't really make anyone feel better right now. Better out than in, better together than alone. It's normal for deep grief to last several years and friends would rather be in it with you than wonder if you're hiding it.
A collection of things that people either did for me, or I did for other people after the loss of a parent:
- Continuing to check in about how they are doing (not just in the first few days/weeks after). One of my friends sends me a text every year on the anniversary of my mom's death that just says "Love you, thinking of you" and it means so much.
- When you check in, saying something like, "I know there won't be any good news right now, and you may not be okay, but I still want to hear about it. You aren't alone."
- If you are close enough to the person who has lost someone, offering to help reach out to their friends, coworkers, more distant relatives, etc. to break the news of the loss. Having to repeat the bad news over and over really takes a toll.
- Making food, especially things that can be frozen in case everyone is making them food.
- If they've had to travel a lot (driving back and forth to a hospice center, driving from far away for a funeral, etc.), buying them a gas card or just a Visa gift card/lum sump via Venmo to help cover unforeseen expenses during an emotionally difficult time.
- If they've had to leave home suddenly to travel for the funeral/last days, etc., offer to help take care of their pets or plants.
- One of my friends got me a gift card for a liquor store that said "Alcohol, because it will last longer than flowers," which was both true and made me laugh.
- One of my friends planted a tree in my mom's name via A Living Tribute. It's inexpensive and it was such a nice gesture - a way for my mom's memory to live on so much longer than me, or her.
- Sharing books, poems, music, podcasts, quotes, etc. about grief that you have found helpful (if you've experienced a similar loss).