Don’t let the romance die — in your friendships
The special treatment shouldn’t only be for one special someone
Two years ago around this time, Sam came down for a visit to escape the NYC winter and we made a whole Galentine's event of it. The highlight was a special outing to go see Magic Mike's Last Dance at Alamo Drafthouse (including fake money to throw at the screen, it was delightful).
On our way out of the theater, we noticed they had board games set out at the theater bar and decided to play a round of truth or dare Jenga. Sam pulled a tile: “Impersonate someone in the room.” I pulled a tile: “What’s the most fun time you’ve had in a car?” Sam pulled a tile: “Kiss the person on your left.”
She giggled and popped over to give me a kiss on the cheek. I blushed a bit and we were warm with laughter. Even though we were in a bustling movie theater lobby, it felt a little magical — it felt romantic.
And not in the “I think I want to date my best friend” way1 that flooded the search results when I was researching this article.
When we separate romance from sex and strip it down to its core, it becomes much more expansive in a way that can benefit all of our important relationships. It’s about being extra present in the moment together, looking for opportunities to surprise and delight each other, and going the extra mile to show that you see someone and you care. If people can enjoy “romanticizing their lives” and “romancing themselves,” I don’t see why we can’t be romanticizing our friendships, too.
In an article for The New York Times about the “romanticize your life” trend, reporter Christina Caron explains, “It asks us to appreciate what we have right in front of us and to live with intention, no matter how mundane our daily rituals might be — a reminder to look for moments of beauty.”
Isn’t that exactly what we should be doing for our dearest friends? Appreciating them, being intentional about our interactions, enjoying the beautiful moments we get to have together even in the midst of a typical day.
When I think about the stalwart friendships in my life, so many gestures that would be considered deeply romantic in a different context stand out. My childhood friend Emily making me dozens of thoughtfully-crafted mix CDs throughout our teenage and college years, complete with decorated discs and hand-written track lists. My college friend Katherine who went to great lengths to have a gift waiting for me in my new NYC apartment when she knew I was anxious about the move. Sam buying me 30 roses for my 30th birthday to ensure it felt celebratory despite dampened celebrations due to the pandemic.2
I’ve had multiple conversations recently about how making new friends as an adult feels like dating. You have to put yourself out there to make the ask to hang out, come up with plans that will entice this cool person you want to be friends with, prepare for the sting of rejection if they’re not that into you.
Let’s extend this metaphor to long-term friendship and put in the effort to make sure that spark never dies.3 Instead of your standard hang of TV on the couch (which we love, no shade), propose mixing it up with cooking a cozy dinner together or going to the community salsa night your friend has been dying to try but never had a partner. Think of regular, small ways to show how much you appreciate them, be it little love notes or actually following up on the things they share with you to say you enjoyed them. Be intentional about finding ways to show you see and support them: Dropping off their favorite treat when you know they’ve had a bad day or being present for important moments in their life.
Like in traditional romantic partnerships, it takes time, effort, and intention to make this a regular practice in friendships. But doing so ensures the relationship stays strong as the years tick by and that your friend never doubts the impact they have in your life.
The best long-term relationships are ones where we can enjoy the contentment of enoughness without complacency4 — always keeping alive that slightly magical feeling of getting to be together.
Do you have a favorite romantic memory with a friend? Leave a comment and share it!
Celebrating Black friendship!
February is Black History Month, and each week we’ll be highlighting a friendship that inspires us from Black history. If there is a story you think we should feature, please send it our way or drop it in the comments!
Billie Holiday and Lester Young
Legendary jazz singer Billie Holiday and saxophonist Lester Young friendship meet cute is that of community care: After Lester moved to NYC for a new career opportunity, he discovered a rat in his hotel and Billie invited him to stay with her and her mother.
That kicked off what has been described as an “intensely intimate but totally platonic” quarter-century relationship. They had cute nicknames for each other: He penned her “Lady Day” moniker and she called him Prez because “I always felt he was the greatest, so his name had to be the greatest.” They had a signature drink when they toured together, a mixture of port and gin that they called a “top and bottom”5.
They creatively collaborated for years, recording dozens of songs together and bringing out some of the best work in each other. As reporter James Maycock explained in The Guardian:
By 1937, having recorded independently of each other, they cut some startlingly elegant music together, displaying an unparalleled musical compatibility that verged on telepathy. Today George Avakian, the jazz producer who befriended both of them, believes: “The session in which she did A Sailboat in the Moonlight is really the one that expresses their closeness musically and spiritually more than any other.”
Although their friendship (and lives) were not always easy, it was certainly impactful: So much so that a musical and a spoken word jazz poem have been written about them. We can only wish to have a friendship that warrants such memorialization.
Sam Note: The dominance of this narrative (and the anxious forum posts it spurs) is equal parts fascinating and frustrating to me.
Same Note: Last year, when I visited Erin for our annual Valentine’s hangout, she covered my bed in the guest room with small treasures. A bath bomb, a heart charm “mood” necklace, a (uni)corny Valentine sticker, a few pieces of candy. Erin knows me well, which means she knows my love language is gifts. These little offerings of affection took my visit from regular to romantic and made me feel extra cared for.
Sam Note: The “middle” of relationships is where most of life happens. When we put so much pressure on beginnings and endings (which often feel out of our control), we remove our agency to nurture and cultivate the types of relationships we crave.
Sam Note: When we appreciate what we have but also allow one another to grow and evolve…that’s forever love.
Sam Note: If anyone tries this concoction, please tell us how it tastes. I am dying to know.