This one weird trick will help you see your friends more
Hint: It involves a calendar and a standing low-stakes hangout
Tonight, those of us in the USA will “lose” an hour as the clocks spring forward. Spring is a season of eager growth, when we emerge from sleepy kitten hibernation1 and our social calendars bloom with activity. We get swept up in the fever of fresh, new things. March becomes April becomes June and — before we know it — summer is here.
That’s why the tail end of winter is exactly the right moment to commit to regularly scheduled, one-on-one hangouts with your closest friends. Before things get hectic, before you overcommit, before you plan that next vacation, put your friendship on the books.
Erin and I started our weekly chill sessions about five years ago, at the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic. We had been living in separate cities since college and stayed close friends, but I don’t think we had quite cracked the code for nurturing our relationship from afar (at least not in the deep, day-to-day way we’d grown accustomed to while living together). Having our schedules abruptly clear for an indefinite amount of time created space — space that we filled with a video chat and hundreds of episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer2.
As weeks turned to months, it quickly became an anchor point of our relationship and mental health. We didn’t have the burden of needing to “plan” an activity each week, we’d just fire up another episode. We’d start the call with a little catch up, usually while one of us (me) finished cooking dinner. Then we settled in to the world of Sunnydale in all its hellmouthy glory.
Now, we continue the tradition, albeit with new shows (Yellowjackets, anyone???), and it continues to sustain our connection in an unburdensome way. Sure, we have to shift the date about once a month. Yes, some weeks we are more distracted or tired than others. Sure, we occasionally have to cancel altogether. But one thing that never changes is the comfort and security we both feel knowing that the other has time blocked out just for us.
Time is always flying. If we want to nurture and deepen our forever friendships, we must show up consistently for one another. Why leave something so important up to chance?
Your Forevers Focus: Schedule a recurring hangout
Grab your forever and pull up your schedules. Find a day and time that works for both of you on a weekly(ish) basis. Remind each other that it’s okay if some weeks you need to flex to a different day or cancel — the goal here is to find a time that you can stick to more often than you bail3.
Once you’ve landed on common ground, write down a commitment to spending time together in both of your calendars. Write it in your planners or create a shared calendar event. Do your best to protect that time and to communicate early and often if you need to make any shifts.
Don’t be afraid to make it your own! Pick an activity or theme for your hangout to help make planning less daunting. Maybe you want to go on a standing Sunday afternoon Wonder Wander. Maybe you want to sip coffee together on the porch and stare at the sunrise. Maybe you both want to order takeout and fold your laundry over video call. If you opt for a less social activity like a workout class, make sure to leave a few minutes before or after for chatting.
It sounds simple but, just like having a dedicated date night can work magic for romantic intimacy, it can for platonic friendships!
If you’re feeling stuck: Try a 15-minute weekly call. You might be surprised by how much closer even a small amount of planned quality time can bring you.
Erin note: Though sleepy kitten time can 100% be enjoyed year round.
Erin note: We actually started this tradition with weekly movies and still call it “movie night” to this day. Luca is a favorite from those days that centers friendship (one of the most underrated Pixar films IMHO!).
Erin note: And it’s okay if this time changes over time! Sam and I have regularly revised which night we hang out weekly when one of us starts a new class or has a standing group commitment that can’t be changed easily. The magic comes in having something on the calendar so you have to reconnect and recommit to time together when changes do need to happen.