Running up that hill (together)

Friends make hard things seem easier, and that's a fact

A note from Sam: Hi everyone, this week’s newsletter is a day late because I find myself unexpectedly climbing the biggest hill of my life. My wonderful father, Mark (it feels important to write his name), suddenly passed away on Wednesday morning while my mother was in the hospital recovering from a major surgery. I was with Erin when I heard the news, and her gentle way of offering support has never been more vital to my soul than now. I do not want to climb this hill, but I have to. And I absolutely cannot do it alone.

Although I am home with my mother now, far away from Erin, my forever is here for me. I mentioned that a puzzle might be a nice distraction; Erin immediately sent two including a hilarious one called “Butts on Things” which looks exactly how it sounds. She’s made an effort to check in regularly, sending sweet pictures of her life and leaving space for me to say whatever I need. Next week, she’s going to drive up and be with me in person. I’ve also seen my parents’ and sister’s friends spring into action, providing food and companionship as we crawl up the mountain of our grief. My dad would have been so proud.

We all know our closest friends make our lives easier. But it’s not just because of what they do for us — science shows that, simply by existing, they make hard things feel more manageable.

In a study that makes us emotional to talk about¹, participants were asked to stand at the bottom of a hill and estimate its steepness. People who were there with a friend perceived it as less steep than people who were there alone. Better yet, the longer the friends knew each other, the flatter the hill seemed to be.

In a second version of the study, even participants who simply thought of a close friend found the hill appeared less steep than ones who thought of a neutral or disliked person.

We learned about this study mere weeks ago and it has quickly become part of our friendship lexicon. Dealing with a chore neither of us wanna do: Can we climb the hill together? One of us processing deep grief and the other feels powerless to support: Can you know that I’m climbing the hill with you?

Yes, “support your friend” may feel like obvious advice. But we think this research expands what that looks like in powerful ways. First, it’s evidence that even if there’s nothing we can really do to help our friends, simply being there for them in moments of difficulty is impactful.

Second, it’s an important reminder that being a good friend isn’t just about showing up for major moments of crisis. If doing something as simple as climbing a hill can be made easier with a friend, think of all the daily loads we can lighten for each other.

Your Forevers Focus: Climb a hill together

Obviously not literally (though getting more exercise could be the thing you choose to support each other on).

Think of a hard thing in your life right now and ask your forever to be present with you while you do it. (You can even do this virtually — we will regularly hop on a video call when we both have a work project we’re struggling to get through.) The smaller and more specific to get started, the better. For instance, you might need help:

• Putting your laundry or dishes away (the perfect time for a quick friend catch-up)

• Packing or unpacking from a move (Erin recently did this for a friend and mostly stood there giving her permission to throw away things she didn’t like anymore)

• Actually calling your elected officials (because phone calls are scary!)

• Doing your taxes (or even just gathering the materials to send to an accountant)

• Finding a new doctor or therapist (or actually making the appointment with one you already did the work to find)

Explain to your friend that they don’t need to do anything besides be there, and offer to do the same for them. You might send a text like:

I’ve been having trouble getting [x] done lately and think I could use some support. Will you come over and just sit with me or hop on the phone while I get it done? You don’t have to do anything, just having you there would be helpful 💛 Happy to do the same for you if there’s a task you’ve been avoiding!

Get in the habit of making this ask and offer to your friends regularly, and you’ll be amazed at how much more manageable the path ahead feels.

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Celebrating Black friendship!

February is Black History Month, and each week we’ll be highlighting a friendship that inspires us from Black history. If there is a story you think we should feature, please send it our way or drop it in the comments!

Faith Ringgold and Sonny Rollins

Artist Faith Ringgold — best known for her narrative quilts, but also a prolific painter, children’s book author, and activist — and influential jazz saxophonist Sonny Rollins grew up as childhood friends in Harlem.

Faith is quoted in a Vogue interview explaining that seeing her friend Sonny pursue his dream of being a musician made her know she could launch her career as an artist, too — essentially, knowing he was there beside her made that hill easier to climb.

newyorkermag

A post shared by @newyorkermag

Faith later memorialized Sonny’s influence on her and the world with a quilt, “Sonny’s Bridge,” which depicts him playing his saxophone on an NYC bridge. While we wish we could find out more about their friendship, we love seeing how they’ve creatively inspired each other over the years — and love any piece of art dedicated to a friend.

1. Thanks to

Taryn Arnold

for tipping us off to this absolutely adorable research!