Roll the dice: Why tabletop role-playing games are a secret ingredient for stronger friendships
Plus five of my fave games to get you started (even if you’re a newbie)
I’d like to begin with a quick (virtual) show of hands. How many of you have played a tabletop role-playing game (TTRPG) before? Dungeons & Dragons counts, along with any other system. Go ahead and answer the poll, pretty please, I’m so curious!
Whether you’re a dice-hoarding goblin or a total newbie, I am a firm believer that your friendships can benefit from TTRPGs. They offer a low-risk, playful environment where you can explore new versions of yourself, practice social skills and conflict navigation, and be creative with your friends, all while weaving an original story.
No experience? No problem! In fact, I think TTRPGs are often best when your tablemates have a variety of experience levels. It never ceases to delight me how easily a beginner can slip into a story alongside a seasoned player. And there’s a reason why people are often good at these games right off the bat1 — an evolutionary reason.
Storytelling is a universal human pastime
For as long as we’ve had language, in every single culture, people have told stories. Evidence of visual narratives in cave art dates back more than 51,000 years, and oral traditions (which do not leave a physical record) likely predate these drawings. It is hardwired in our species, a key to evolution and the fabric of our communities. Without stories, we would drift apart.2
It makes sense that researcher Brené Brown opened her viral TedTalk on the power of vulnerability by describing herself as a storyteller. In order for a storyteller to connect with their audience, they must be open and wholehearted. If a story is too polished, too practiced, too predictable, or too exaggerated, it won’t hit home. Why? Because each of these “toos” represents a protective wall, guarding against embarrassment but also blocking vulnerability and therefore authentic connection.
The same is true in our friendships. If we only let our dear ones see a heavily edited version of ourselves, they won’t be able to truly know us — which leaves both parties in an insecure position that ultimately leads to heartache. For our friendships to flourish, we need to learn to share parts of ourselves while still feeling safe.
Playing TTRPGs together is a lighthearted way of tapping into that vulnerability without needing to bare our deepest secrets. These games are a powerful tool that provides a structured, playful environment for us to practice storytelling with our chosen communities. And it all begins with creating your character.
Role-play helps us get to know each other (and ourselves) better
In TTRPGs, you get to pretend to be someone else. Of course, these characters usually contain parts of your true self, but you decide which facets are featured and which remain hidden. Sometimes you might want to make a character that has little to nothing in common with you (or a lot in common with your friend!). One who comes from a different background, has made different choices, or just offers a glimpse into a different path.
To give you a sense of the range of possibilities, here is a sampling of characters I’ve role-played: a psychic summer camp lifeguard, a goth artist grandma, a dominatrix dhampir, a sword-dancing robot, and a changeling poker dealer with a magical fringe jacket. I’ve played characters of many genders and sexualities, and of many aesthetics and value systems. Like other TTRPG enthusiasts, I’ve even used characters to test out identities that I later ended up integrating into my real life.
Amy Proudman shares her experience with this type of exploration in her Dicebreaker article “How Dungeons & Dragons helped me discover my gender identity”:
The freedom to explore gender didn’t just come as an environment where it was encouraged, but also as plausible deniability for what I was doing. There was no requirement to out myself while still entirely unsure about what gender meant to me; no need for me to bare my soul to people and hope they were accepting while I still didn’t understand myself enough to identify as being trans. Instead, I was just playing a character.
The beauty of dipping your character’s toe into the choppy water of identity is that you are still safe on shore. You don’t need to have it all figured out because you can make it up as you go along while observing how your friends respond and react to this “new” person. And if it all goes belly up? You can start over and set sail in a new persona next session.
Fictional conflict has real-life benefits
The amount of conflict we are bombarded with every day can be exhausting. More and more people are avoiding it altogether, from quiet quitting our careers to going no-contact with toxic relatives. So why am I suggesting you role-play it for fun?
Well, if you want to be lifelong friends with someone, it’s safe to assume there will be times when you disagree. Role-playing through “fake” conflicts and missteps, no matter how fantastical, can translate to real-life lessons. Because we are one step removed from the tension (this is happening to our characters, not us), we can practice emotional regulation and gain fresh perspectives before we are in a real-life crisis. The fictional setting also allows us to live in a different reality, one where we can loosen our convictions and find flexibility that might be harder to access in real life.
When it comes to the link between TTRPGs and conflict resolution skills, science backs me up. Research at the NIH shows that role-playing is a fast track to fostering empathy. In another study, participants who played TTRPGs in group therapy “described increased confidence in social situations, particularly with boundaries or making mistakes.” A vast majority of friendship conflicts involve breaking boundaries or making mistakes, and being able to swim through those murky moments with empathy can save your relationship from sinking.
The dice keep things interesting
Much like in life, your best-laid plans in TTRPGs can be dashed to pieces in a moment. The die lands on a one, and instead of things going smoothly, there are twists and turns. But in a game, these complications can be fun instead of fear-inducing. They are where the real action happens, because a story where everything goes according to plan is a total snoozefest. Is it any wonder that TTRPG players score higher on creativity tests than other gamers and nongamers?
When I first started playing TTRPGs, I dreaded bad dice rolls. I wanted to control my character’s actions and make the party proud! I wanted to be a badass thief, not someone who wrecks the group’s sneakiness! Over time, though, I learned that I could survive more than I thought. I gained confidence in my ability to adapt to in-character challenges without crumbling. And, most importantly, I realized that getting to role-play plan B or C with my friends was often more interesting than plan A would have been anyway. It turned out, I didn’t need to be perfect to be worthy of our story, as long as we were willing to improvise together; a lesson that I’ve carried over to my real-life relationships.
The element of luck in TTRPGs forces you to develop a certain amount of creativity and adaptability — two things that you need to keep the spark alive through years of friendship. Life is going to throw unexpected punches at you. You’ll change careers, cities, and haircuts. Your bodies will shift with age, and you will discover that the things you always did together when you were young are not as accessible or appealing anymore. If you’ve practiced thinking on the fly together, you’ll be better prepared and more stable as you navigate these changes.
Ready to play? My favorite TTRPGs for friends
I’ve rounded up five different games for you to try (all from indie publishers!), but before you begin, safety first! In recent years, safety and consent have become a keystone of TTRPGs. Before you play with someone, I highly suggest you look through these safety tools and talk through what type of content you want to focus on or avoid. Yes, you should do this even with friends you’ve known for years! Once your boundaries are settled, you’re ready to roll.
The game I think everyone should play: Brindlewood Bay
(3-5 players, 3-4 hours)
Murder, She Wrote meets Lovecraftian horror in this creepy, cozy mystery game set in a quaint New England town with a dark secret. You play as meddlesome old ladies, members of a murder mystery book club who just can’t seem to keep their noses out of trouble3. Brindlewood Bay has some of the best game-running instructions of any system I’ve ever played. Even if you don’t want to run this particular game, I suggest buying a copy of it just to get the keeper tips.
For the beginners who want role-play training wheels: Dubious
(3-6 players, 30 minutes)
This skirts the line between board game and TTRPG, but I think it is a great starting point for anyone a bit nervous about role-playing a character. Players pick a profession and a secret (they are themed around settings like modern, fantasy, or Victorian England), and then ask each other questions to try to deduce what everyone else has. Here’s a quick video explaining gameplay, including a few examples! I also think using these prompts non-competitively would be a fun way to “get to know” a character before you play them in a full-fledged TTRPG.
For the ones who are nervous about making up a character: The Quiet Year
(2-4 players, 3-4 hours)
This is one of the most unique games I’ve ever played. Rather than playing a character, you collectively play a community living after the collapse of civilization as they attempt to build something good. Using a set of 52 playing cards, you determine prompts for each week of the quiet year and create a physical map (yes, with drawings, but stick figures are 100% fine) to represent the decisions your community makes. It can be very serious or very silly, depending on your mood. And at the end, you are left with a map full of memories! There is also a post-colonial weird fantasy version called The Deep Forest that you can download for free here.
For the spontaneous duo: You & I: Roleplaying Games for 2
(2 players, times vary widely)
This collection contains fifteen two-player role-playing games, ranging from high fantasy dragon riding to doomed astronauts to conversations between two old friends who haven’t seen each other in ages. In one game, you play a friend conducting a seance and their pal from beyond the grave! In another that Erin and I are eager to play, you are “a pair of spybots connected across a vast multitude of email accounts” and you only communicate via digital chat. Your mileage may vary from game to game, but there is certainly something in here for everyone. Plus, a portion of each sale goes to the North Texas Food Bank!
For the silly, spooky folks: Oops, All Draculas!
(2-6 players, 3-4 hours)
This rules-light, collaborative game was made for fans of What We Do In the Shadows, Interview with the Vampire, or any other vampiric content. You can play with or without a game master, using a tarot deck or a copy of Dracula to randomly set the scenes. This game has different vampire playbooks packed with flavor to get you started, then, once the ball is rolling, “yes, and” your story along with your fellow Draculas. Memorable shenanigans are sure to ensue. (Full disclosure, I think this is probably the trickiest game of the bunch to play if you have no experience with TTRPGs! It is pretty light on instructions, so at least one player needs to be confident with improvising their way through a story.)
P.S. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the idea of running a game, I have a few suggestions. 1) Read the Keeper principles in Brindlewood Bay. 2) Watch “actual plays” on YouTube or Twitch of the games you are interested in running. 3) You can always hire a GM by using a service like Start Playing or reaching out directly to me. I love introducing people to the world of TTRPGs.
Erin note: As I mentioned in our recent live conversation, I was very nervous about starting to play these games with Sam, feeling like I wasn’t creative enough or good enough at on-the-fly thinking to be good at them. Just me holding myself to impossible standards, even in play! I’m glad I pushed past it, because playing these games with Sam has been a delight.
Sam note: This beautiful article (gift link) in the New York Times asked luminaries from various fields to respond to the question: Why do we tell stories?
Erin note: My character was Pearl Grey, a former Pan Am flight attendant with a kleptomania problem and current potter who was obsessively making urns by the end of the campaign (shit got weird).